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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26837926">Better Than Flowers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF'>PepperF</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Diego whump [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Post-Canon, Whumptober 2020, and also answer the important question:, in which I ignore the Sparrow Academy entirely, what happens if someone teleports during sex?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:27:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26837926</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>None of his siblings know yet that Lila's back, but he has a feeling they're going to find out sooner or later. Particularly if she keeps doing shit like this.</p>
<p>"Lila!"</p>
<p>"Shh. Anyway, I thought you said everyone was out."</p>
<p>"Yeah, but..." He glances around nervously. "In the <i>library</i>?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Diego whump [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951318</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Better Than Flowers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you to Bethany for not only beta'ing this, but also for dealing with my chaotic fic name/numbering system. ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>None of his siblings know yet that Lila's back, but he has a feeling they're going to find out sooner or later. Particularly if she keeps doing shit like this.</p>
<p>"Lila!"</p>
<p>"Shh. Anyway, I thought you said everyone was out."</p>
<p>"Yeah, but..." He glances around nervously. "In the <i>library</i>?"</p>
<p>She pouts, eyes twinkling mischievously. "Are you scared?"</p>
<p>He frowns. "No. 'Course not. But—what if someone comes back?"</p>
<p>"Then they'll get a show, won't they?" She runs a hand down his chest, and he puffs a little at the lingering, appreciative look she gives him. "Lucky them."</p>
<p>Oh, what the hell. He leans up to kiss her, and there's no more talking after that, as they fumble each others' clothes off and she shoves him back onto one of the couches. He catches the disapproving painted glare of his father over her bare shoulder, and hesitates for a second, but Lila notices his distraction and glances back. </p>
<p>"Bet he'd hate this, huh?" She turns back to Diego. "Bet this would be a giant fuck-you to him."</p>
<p>He catches her toothy grin with a kiss, just as she slides down onto him. And <i>fuck</i>—</p>
<p>It's so good. They're so good together. He's gonna tell her soon, wants to tell everyone, and it’s not like he's good at keeping these things secret anyhow. But he wants her around all the time, every day, so they can do this, and so much more, he wants, he wants, he <i>wants...</i></p>
<p>They're both so caught up that they don't realize something else is happening until there's a raised voice in the hall, and the telltale <i>fwoosh</i> of Five's power.</p>
<p>Lila squeaks, and in a flash of blue, she vanishes—</p>
<p>—and it fucking <i>tingles</i>.</p>
<p>"Diego, what the fuck—?"</p>
<p>For an unfortunate second, he's completely helpless—but the next instant he's scrambling for clothes to cover himself, as Luther and Five gape at him from the doorway. "In front of <i>Dad</i>?" says Luther, shaking his head. "Dude, that's messed up. And that's coming from me."</p>
<p>"Yeah, uh, sorry, heat got to me," he says, brain turned to mush. They get a great view of his ass as he beats a hurried retreat. </p>
<p>There's a shriek in the hallway, and then a burst of laughter. "Hi Allison! <i>Bye</i> Allison!"</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>He's not speaking to Lila.</p>
<p>This time, he's sticking to his guns. She's gone too far. Manipulating him, drugging him, trying to kill his siblings—that, he could live with. But embarrassing him in front of them? Too. Far.</p>
<p>"Oh come on, are you really going to give me the silent treatment right now?" She waits for a response that is not forthcoming, because he has <i>principles</i>, dammit. Lila rolls her eyes. "Fuck me, this should be fun."</p>
<p>She hauls him to his feet really quite ungently, considering his wounded state, and ducks her head under his arm. </p>
<p>"Come on, you bloody idiot, we should get out of here before they come back."</p>
<p>He might be pissed at her, but he's not a fool: his captors were coming back to execute him, and for all her griping and threats, at least he knows she won't kill him. Inconvenience him, piss him off, frame him for arson on occasion, sure—but not murder.</p>
<p>"I said I was sorry," she gripes, as they run and limp along corridors and flatten themselves against walls to avoid the guards. "I'm here rescuing you, aren't I?"</p>
<p>"This is a totally different situation. And I had it covered."</p>
<p>"You're still full of shit."</p>
<p>"I <i>did</i>—look, you ever heard of a rope-a-dope?"</p>
<p>"Oh, sure, you really had them at a disadvantage, with you tied to a chair and three of them with all the guns and knives. Definitely see how that was going to work out."</p>
<p>He ignores this. "So is this an <i>apology</i> rescue?"</p>
<p>"<i>No</i>," she says, scornfully, and then glances at him. "Maybe. Would that work?"</p>
<p>"No." He considers it. "Maybe. Depends how good a job you do."</p>
<p>"Jesus Christ, you're such a fucking princess."</p>
<p>He ignores this too, as they reach a door at the end of a long hallway. He gestures her forward, and she glares at him. "This is my apology rescue, right?"</p>
<p>"Fuck you."</p>
<p>But she goes through first, all guns blazing, and although he's actually right behind her, there's not much for him to do. And he is injured, after all.</p>
<p>Once she's cleared the room, she starts slapping at buttons on a long desk of...lit-up buttons. Diego hobbles over to stand behind her. "What're you doing?"</p>
<p>"Getting us out of here," she says, absently. "Shut up."</p>
<p>"You mean you don't have an exit strategy already in place?"</p>
<p>"Shut <i>up</i>." Her phone buzzes, and she glances down at him. "Oh good, our Uber's here." She slaps a few more buttons, he's pretty sure just for effect, and then stands up, leaving the chair spinning. "Come on, he's waiting at the front door."</p>
<p>"There's a lot of walking involved in this rescue."</p>
<p>"I will leave you behind, I swear to god."</p>
<p>"Uber, seriously?"</p>
<p>"Sorry it's not a fucking pumpkin carriage, your Highness."</p>
<p>"No, but I mean, have you heard how they treat their drivers...?" </p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Three minutes later, Dinesh the Uber driver is startled by a hard rap on the roof of his car, and looks up to see a tiny woman with a much larger man in a fireman's lift over one shoulder. </p>
<p>"Could you open the door? He's very heavy," she calls.</p>
<p>He hurries to help. "Do you need to go to the hospital?" But he's surprised to see the man smirking smugly at him as the woman drops him to his feet, and then shoves him towards the backseat.</p>
<p>"It's my apology rescue," he tells Dinesh. The woman just rolls her eyes.</p>
<p>"Just fucking drive," she snaps, pushing the man in further with one booted foot and sliding in after him. She glances back. "Uh, <i>now</i>?"</p>
<p>Dinesh glances back as well, to see the building behind them erupting with men in black, waving guns. <i>They'd better tip big</i>, he thinks, as he scrambles back into the driving seat. "Hey Siri, play playlist 'chase music'!" </p>
<p>He hits the gas.</p>
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